OF WOMEN PAMPERING THEIR HUSBANDS TO FAILURE

By Ayo AshaoluSep 23, 2024

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I am old enough and have stayed long in marriage to offer some counsel about rules and etiquettes for marital bliss.

The issue Of Women Pampering Their Husbands to Failure’ may elicit some harsh reactions, however, my views are borne out of practical experience and genuine concern for those who may be trapped in it and a lesson for the prospective couples.

The Bible, in the Book of Genesis, describes a wife as a ‘help meet’ while the Qur’an 4:34 says “Men are the Caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by Allah over women and tasked with supporting them financially”.

The African culture also makes the husband the Head of the family in terms of responsibilities, especially in the area of finance. This Yoruba proverb states it clearly – *‘Oko ni olori aya (The husband is the head of the wife). That is why it is common for men, beyond pride, to be generous with finances to their wives. It is normal too for men to strive to provide for their families even when the wife has more resources.

It is now common to see a few women who happily take over the role of the man in the house, in financial responsibilities. That may be normal if there are genuine reasons for the role reversal such as incapacitation, deformity, natural disaster, sickness, business failure, sudden loss of income, or a setback by the man.

That is quite understood. After all, couples are help mates. Except for an issue of incapacitation, such role reversal should not be permanent.

However, a few women are going overboard to OVER PAMPER their husbands to FAILURE. Yes, failure, knowingly or not. For whatever reasons, they are eager and happy to take over the financing in the family and allow their husbands to just be.

They are comfortable turning molly coddlers to their husbands and tuning their husbands’ sybarite and henpeck. They never motivate, encourage, challenge, or push their husbands to fulfill their roles in the family.

Sadly, without being incapacitated or deformed, some husbands are also un-shamefully, willingly comfortable and content being incurious and avolition in the marriage they are supposed to lead. They permanently surrender their seat to their wives and are happy to be dependent on the marriage, thinking they are lucky to have caring wives. I wonder about the type of men they are and the upbringing they have.

Three cases I have observed from a close range and they bother me.

Case 1.
A couple in their 70s still living happily in Lagos readily comes to mind. I hope they will not read this piece. The woman, with little education, early in the marriage got employed in UAC while the husband, a graduate of Economics worked in a one-man business at Somolu. The woman, very enterprising, was still doing a side hustle to support the family which was not common then for someone working in a high-brow company. A Christian, she was willing and happy, not just to support her husband but to take over the full financial responsibility of the family. When she discovered immediately after they got married that the husband was a layback, she took over the whole family’s responsibilities – feeding, house rent, kids’ school fees, clothing for the husband, husband’s haircuts, underwear, etc.

The man was enjoying the punctilious treatment. He became less ambitious and stopped searching for a better job or life. He was contended working for the one-man enterprise which he did for 32 years with a meager salary, even after the owner of the business died. After all, there was no pressure at home. His default line is her wife who is more reliable than the ATM.

By the time he left his job fifteen years ago, it was just a handshake from the sons of the owner of the business. No gratuity. Pensionless. The good woman is still looking after her hubby of over fifty years like a baby. Now, the man practically owns NOTHING, not even a house or anything tangible in life. He was pampered to FAILURE by his wife. Everyone is praying that the wife should outlive him.

The family members are blaming the wife for over-indulging her husband when they were young. The man commands no respect from his and her wife’s families. Each time I visit them occasionally I always shake my head for the type of man he is. Their marriage cannot be a role model.

The woman’s fault is that she never challenged or encouraged her husband to be as enterprising as she is.

Case 2:
One of my sisters is presently married to a man without any ambition or consciousness of his responsibilities as a husband and father and worse still, to himself. But my sister has risen to the occasion, providing for the family in full like the couple above. My sister is very industrious. She knows her husband was shitless and unambitious. He is not willing to do anything even when he is supported financially. He prefers loafing and relies on my sister for practically everything like our man in the first case.

But surprisingly, my sister is very happy playing the role of a man in the family. If you advise or talk to her dear husband harshly to get up and be serious, you have hurt my sister. So, we have left them to their faith and fate. This borders me so much because the guy cannot fulfill his life potential by being content to be a passenger in a vehicle where he is supposed to be in the driver’s seat.

At this age, without being incapacitated, my brother-in-law is happily eating foods funded by his wife and my sister is also willing to do that saying that is her lot in life.
The man is now in his 50s and practically owns nothing and looks healthier than his wife. Why will he not? To me, my sister has PAMPERED him to failure. This cannot be a love thing.

One Saturday I visited the family unannounced because the husband would run away if he knew I was coming. I asked him how he was doing and he answered cheerfully ‘We are fine”. I told him ‘You cannot be fine doing nothing. What did you do from Monday till Friday”, I asked with fury. He could not answer.

He incoherently said, ‘We are hoping on God for help o”. A sound young man doing nothing and hoping on God when the wife is restless to take care of the family? He was lucky I did not have a gun with me. I felt like head-butting him but on second thought I was afraid of his frame. If he summoned courage and fought back, it would be disastrous
Again, we have left them to their faith and fate.

Case 3:
While I was in the bank, there was a junior colleague who was very close to me and shared some of his family’s privacy with me. The wife worked then (and till now) in a blue chip company in Lagos and earned four (4) times more than her husband.

Anyway, there is no big deal in that. The family worships in Deeper Life Christian Church. But the husband lives a shallow life. The wife is exceptional, very submissive, loyal, and humble. Initially, we thought that it was because she is Efik and her husband, Yoruba, that she wanted to keep the marriage. But it was not. It is just her life.

Since they got married, each time she collects her salary, she respectfully hands it over in full to her husband. It is the husband who administers the finances for her all through the month. The man had total control of his money and his wife’s.

According to my colleague, the wife had never questioned him once how he administered the money. She had told her husband that she is living the Bible fully, which says ‘Wife submit to your husband’. She added ‘everything including finance to the passage and she has been living by that.

Not surprisingly anyway, our friend resigned suddenly from the job to nowhere citing an insult from his boss, simply because the wife would provide. Today, our friend is in his 50s too doing nothing. But luckily, the wife is still in employment, still handing over her salary to her dear. But our man has been reciprocating the wife’s gesture. He is a good cook for the family and takes care of the kids fully. He was their babysitter.

I called him in July and asked what he was doing now. I already know the answer. ‘This government does not allow one to do anything o’, he answered me. Yes, he is not doing anything but he is eating and using an Android phone, courtesy of his wife’s sweat.

Again, the poor man has been PAMPERED to failure. That is the way I see it.

The truth is that a man who cannot provide for his family and not even trying, will not command respect even from the children who watch what happens in the family.
The prayer is that may we not be incapacitated or disabled or be in a situation to the extent that we will not be able to take care of our family.

For me, even if I am blessed with such a molly coddler as a wife, I will reject the offer because it is too good, strange, and not the way I was brought up. Alhaji Isamotu Onilenla had four(4) wives and many children. He provided for all our needs fully. He admonished us, the males, repeatedly that any man who abdicates his role as a husband and enjoys eating foods provided by his wife is eating human waste.

He warned us that we should never settle for being fed by our wives and he demonstrated it practically. I hold it dearly till today.

Though I am not providing for my family to the extent my Dad did, the fear of eating human waste constantly pushes me to be on my toes.

So, I am very much comfortable and happy not to have a wife that will pamper me to FAILURE. Anyway, I will not even take such awoof.